Best Blog Day So Far

I definitely notice a spike in visitors to this blog when Dave has a series running but the last few weeks have been a little crazy, with yesterday's statistics hitting a new high. However, the big event in the past couple of days was a matching pair of tweets from The Great Man Himself (hereon TGMH).

I've been a little hesitant about joining Twitter because I've heard that there can be a lot of hate around and I always say that there's no room for hate in this world (unless it's directed towards Russell Brand). If we can't all learn to get on with each other (with the exception of Russell Brand), then we don't deserve to share this wonderful world or call each other human (again, minus R.B who seems more gibbon that human).

However, I joined Twitter earlier in the week and I've already had some lovely tweets from TGMH. The first one was in response to my mentioning that the bloody Sky box had accidentally taped Jools Holland (I blame daughter who is a Sam Smth fan and still won't admit he looks like a tortoise). It read:

Dave's second response was in reply to my mentioning that I don't like his tartan shirts. TGMH replied:

That's where the communication ended and, to be honest, I can't be entirely sure that Dave doesn't think me a little bit odd, which is a bit rich when you consider that I run his most popular fan blog and spend many lonely hours superimposing his face onto a wide variety of clothes/semi-clothed bodies. I know my avatar was an image of him greased up and my Twitter background is him lying naked as the day Burt Reynolds's body was born (although with a big more hair), but I hardly see why that should make Dave so reticent. He's normally got a lot to say on TV. Of course, I do realise that my slight motherliness towards Dave barely conceals my bestial sexuality, ready to pounce like a cougar on heat, but that's only natural of a 59 year old mother of three whose husband's painting and decorating keeps him away from home for weeks on end.

Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov Gorman

Dave's Avatar

Watched Avatar last night (in 3D) and I loved every minute. It was just about the perfect film. Afterwards, I realised there was only one way they could possibly have improved it was if Dave had been playing the Sam Worthington role...

Dave Fry / Stephen Gorman

A potent combination for a Sunday afternoon but strangely compelling. Perhaps a view into the deep future: the lovechild of Stephen Fry and Dave Gorman? Perhaps the result of some brilliant genetic experiment to produce the uber-comedian of the 22nd century? Yes, this picture excites me in ways it's not easy to explain. Bow your knee, mortal! With a tut and a pish, ladies and gentlemen! Good Lord!

Dave Byron

Dave the Dazzler

Lady Gorga

No, It's Not Rickie Lambert...

Russell Gorman / Dave Brand

If Dave wanted to make a sequel to his current excellent series, I think the perfect title would be: 'Modern Life is Twattish'. That, after all, is the modus operandi by which I go about my everyday life. In my experience, modern life is as far from goodish as Ebola is as far from the everyday sniffle. Modern life is usually painful, vacuous, and, indeed, utterly twattish. Ours is a culture that celebrates the bland and ridicules originality. It lauds the malicious and malevolent and rewards vulgarity and excess.

Whilst there's much that would deserve to be in a series of 'Modern Life is Twattish', I think the first episode should and could be devoted entirely to that hairy wart upon the septic walrus snout of popular entertainment known as Russell Brand. He defines the word 'twattish' in every nuanced way we might want to use that word, up to and including the moment it becomes the unspeakable 'c' word. In that respect, he's the polar opposite to our beloved Dave. Where Dave pretends to be light and trivial but actually makes very profound points, Russell Brands makes very profound statements which disguise the fact that he has the intellectual weight of a stale Ryvita lost down the back of Fern Brittain's sofa the moment she accidentally dropped the remote control and turned over to BBC2 to catch the last moments of a documentary by Brian Cox. Unfortunately, a great many people fall for Brand's shtick. He reminds me of a funny line I once heard said about Stephen Fry: 'I dumb person's idea of an intelligent person' and whilst that's never been my opinion of Fry, it's been a most helpful line whenever I find myself pondering the enigma of Brand and his popularity.

His politics have the intellectual force of an argument over a playroom sandpit but couched in terms that resemble the works of Noam Chomsky put through a shredder. Brand's treatment of the English language is like watching the Brighouse Clog Dancing troupe hammer their way through Swan Lake at Covent Garden. For people who don't have an ear for good writing, Brand's prose resembles something intelligent and well argued. It is, after all, full of long sub-clauses and clever twists that demand that the brain throw cartwheels to keep track of the original subject.  In fact, he's overly verbose and relies on purple extravagance which often makes his sentences unintelligible, abrasive, and utterly self-indulgent. Like his physical manner, in his writing there is something quite ordinary hiding behind the beads and bands and the casually-left-to-run-rampant hair. He embodies everything that makes life twattish. He is modern man. Ecce homo. Ecce the twat.

I'm Spartacus and so is Dave...

Dave was in particularly good form last night but it might just have been my own bias against doggers that meant I really enjoyed the show. However, his shirt was typically bad and that's perhaps why Dave was weighing so heavily on my mind when I went to bed.

The whole point of this blog is to show that Dave Gorman would look better if he didn't stick with tartan. I think I've demonstrated over the last few months (it will be a year in December) that Dave's head would look better if it was attached to a different body. Last night only emphasised the fact because I had the most gloriously vivid dream. I'm sure it was in Cinemascope. In my dream, Dave was a gladiator wearing a large pair of greying gentleman's briefs. Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, I couldn't find a pair of briefs being worn by a greying gentleman but I could find this picture of Kirk Douglas instead. And I think you can see what an obvious improvement it is when attached to the finest head on the British comedy circuit. If only Dave wore this ensemble to do his Powerpoint presentations, I don't think he'd be stuck on a satellite channel. Dave belongs on BBC2 and every year he's absent, the whole nation suffers.

Dave Sugar

Dave as Moore Marriot

Dave Simon and Art Gorfunkleman

Dave's Damart Special

Kim Il Dave

Abraham Lincdave

The James Bond Villain Collection: Dr Go

Munchkin Dave of the Lollypop Guild

Gormano (of U2)

DG Hooker

I think it's important to float these ideas for new shows. And although I'm not sure about the hair, once Dave gets into a uniform and has been armed with a gun, he begins to look like a state-sponsored Charlie Brooker...

Dave Astaire

Dave Beckham

Big Davy

Dave G. Bilko

Oily Dave

Dave Cameron

Dave Stringfellow

Dave the Apeman

Davey Wonka

George and Mildred

Dave in a Vest

Gandalf the Dave